Last week we received a question through the ask page that sparked a great deal of "tawk" from the Tawkify Matchmaking team.
John wrote in with: "Am I just too ugly to get a date?"
As matchmakers, this is something we are challenged with every day--supporting our clients in moments of insecurity, understanding chemistry and how that can operate beyond skin level, predicting attraction between two individuals who have never met.
With so much thoughtful and inspiring feedback, we are featuring our Matchmakers' responses to John's question in a two-part series. If you missed last week, check out Part I: Matchmaker Says, Why Focus On The Physical.
Matchmaker, Vara Pikor, kicks off Part II:
"Ugly" is a mindset in my opinion and only a mindset that can be broken down by the owner.
If he thinks he's ugly he gives off unattractive vibes thereby setting him back further. Not only is confidence key, but valuing oneself is attractive. Own who you are because no one else can, and if you aren't proposing yourself as the best package, why would anyone buy your product?
Matchmaker and Heartalytics contributor, Kristina Cappuccilli, offers:
This is a tough topic that is pretty relatable for lots of singles. Here's what I think...
Do looks matter? Of course they do. As humans, we're intrinsically inclined to gravitate towards a personality after that physical attraction is established. Speaking to that, I think physical attraction is comprised of so many different variables - body language, eye contact, general confidence - the list could go on and on. What it really breaks down to is knowing yourself and being aware of/showcasing your physical appearance in the right light. Wear clothes you feel comfortable and confident in. If you have a killer smile, smile more. We all have insecurities that influence how we behave in romantic situations, and as a woman, I think confidence is a determining factor in how physically attractive a man is.
Matchmaker Sabrina Yudelson adds:
John's question illuminates why the Tawkify model is virtuous for two reasons:
- By sending clients out on blind dates, we present each match as a holistic pairing, comprised of not just physical elements, but mental, spiritual, and emotional elements as well.
- To that end, the blind dating model ensures that matchmakers set our clients up with those who share similar values...yes, there are many daters who care deeply about physical appearance-- but there are plenty of people who are not as preoccupied with it, or are to a lesser degree. By allowing their matchmakers to curate the pairings, our clients entrust us to select matches who are most likely to appreciate their strengths and accept their weaknesses.
That said (and to Amaris' awesome points in Part I), knowing one's strengths and weaknesses (and radically accepting them, as opposed to masking them) should be a prerequisite to dating...
...or something you and your Matchmaker work on together.
Matchmaker Giselle Teston makes a new observation:
Looks matter and physical attraction is part of the human experience. But to add to that, at least for myself, personality actually CHANGES physical attractiveness for me. For example, if someone is objectively good looking but has a cocky attitude, I become almost blind to the looks because that attitude is so off-putting! And to the opposite effect, people who may not be the archetype of attractiveness but are lovely and exciting people exude an energy that makes them glow!
Perception of attractiveness can be so fluid sometimes.
Matchmaker, Mackenzie Lane, offers closing thoughts:
I agree that physical attractiveness is a gray area, since personality can play a huge factor.
As so many have said, confidence and the way one carries him or herself is a huge part of how others will be attracted. I think that these days, especially with the accessibility of dating apps where you can gauge whether or not you want to meet someone based off of how physically attracted you might be to their pictures, it's so easy to dismiss someone whose personality doesn't shine through their profile.
There's a certain comfort level in being able to expect chemistry based sheerly off physical attraction when chemistry is really something that can develop over time and getting to know someone. You might even feel a strong physical and mental connection with someone the first time you meet them, and after a couple of dates getting to know one another, realize that it's not a good fit. Conversely, you might meet someone for the first time and not feel a strong connection, but after giving it some time, that physical and mental attraction will develop.
It comes from expecting romance before friendship vs. friendship before romance.
Some friendships stay friendships, while some friendships evolve into romantic relationships. I believe it's important to go into any date with an open mind. When you have a picture in your head of what the person you should be dating looks like, you're already closing yourself off to people who are a good match for you in so many other ways.
I've had a couple of friends who have said they feel ugly, and the only way that they'll feel beautiful is if they have a boyfriend or if a guy tells them they're beautiful. A few years ago, I felt the same exact way. It's an easy fix to have someone tell you that you're beautiful, but it isn't going to make you feel beautiful in the long run. Self-acceptance and confidence are far more important and will be long-lasting.
Sending a big thanks to Vara, Kristina, Sabrina, Giselle and Mackenzie for their expert feedback on this topic.
“Do your thing and don't care if they like it.” -- Tiny Fey, Bossypants
Your Tawkify Matchmakers