Our Member Services team hears all sorts of dating woes from potential clients, and sometimes patterns emerge from the fray. I recently sat down with Camille from the MS team to chat about these common grievances and identify one to tackle on Heartalytics. Surprisingly, she reported the most common thing she hears (besides how horrific online dating is), was more of a personal struggle than a complaint.
In Camille's words: "I hear this sort of thing all the time -- I can't be myself when on a date with someone I really like, but am cool as a cucumber when on a date with someone I'm not that interested in."
We all know how important first impressions are -- so when the stakes are high, it's understandable that some people have difficulty remaining cool and confident. However, we obviously can't go through life mucking up all of the dates we actually want to be on.
So what's the fix? I asked Jennifer Castaneda, Clinical Hypnotherapist and Love Coach, to shed some of her bright light on this common enigma.
Valerie Presley Ackler
Dating Jitters: The Struggle For Authenticity
Ever met someone you really liked and you couldn’t be your charming self around them so they ended up having no interest in you? Or maybe you’ve been with someone that you had no interest in and they totally fall for you because you were being……your charming self with them without even thinking about it? This is so frustrating. I’m going to tell you what my experience with this phenomenon has been and share the actions my clients take that give them great results. Ready to go deep with me?
The issue at hand is that you are forgetting how incredible you are when you meet a person you really like -- and that's because you WANT something. You want a second date. You want them to like you back. We've all been hard wired to believe that in order to get the things we want we must either people-please, manipulate, be extra nice or just fake whatever it is you think the other person wants.
Think back to how you received what you wanted as a child. Maybe you needed to clean your room, eat all your vegetables, or “act” happy to get what you wanted from your parents. It’s a very rare parent that says: “You'd like to go out with your friends this weekend? No problem…..just make sure you are your true self this week and then you can go.” Instead, you likely heard a laundry list of chores and/our mandatory behaviors that were required of you in order to realize your desired weekend.
So what does this mean? It means that this "common enigma" makes a whole lotta sense. We have been trained to act unnaturally (and be on guard) when presented with something we want -- so of course it's common that people struggle with authenticity with desired romantic partners. But here's the thing -- you don’t need to be someone else to get what you want. If you are truly you, you will attract what's meant for you.
We don’t attract what we want, we attract what we are.
So back to the relationship. When you meet someone you really like and think there might be something special or good there, your mind goes into... “I want that. Let me access the part of my brain that tells me what to do when I want something…..oh yeah there it is….be what they need me to be.”
Your mind is not evil, it’s just doing it’s job. It looks to the past, just like a librarian looks at the reference sections and says -- “Yup, here it is, this is how we’ve been doing it.” Now that you’re reading this you are giving yourself AWARENESS, so the next time this happens you know what's actually going on. Step 1: You become aware of the pattern -- check!
Step 2: You say, thanks for this historical information, brain. I love it, thank you -- but now I know the only way I will attract someone great, is to be myself. The more I am myself, the more I’ll resonate with the right people...
This person might not resonate with me even though they look cool, and that's OK -- because I don't want someone who doesn't want me.
I WANT to be open, honest and real. I am whole and complete. I WANT for nothing in this moment, I am complete just as I am…
Got that? I hope you memorize it. Just kidding. But you get the idea. When you internalize these powerful thoughts, you will find an ever-present resevoir of calm and confidence to draw upon in those "wow, I really like this person" moments. You’re OK, it’s safe to be yourself, no danger here.
Give the truest version of you. You are the reward. You are the gift.
Jennifer Castaneda, Clinical Hypnotherapist + Love Coach
For more information on Jennifer, click here.