In My Own Way is a two-part series by Tawkify Matchmaking Director, Julia Armet. Don’t miss the second installment of the mini-series, In My Own Way: Forward.
Let's be brutally honest…
Both you and I are about to answer the same question:
What's In The Way Of My Success In Love?
It's a loaded question, so proceed if and only if you’re ready to level-up in your love life.
I’ve been in the heart of the dating industry for 6 years, first as a matchmaker and now as a leader serving our global community of matchmakers. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned:
We are all much more alike than we are different.
Because as different as our values are in a partnership, and as unique as our paths may be toward soul connection, it’s our willingness to soul-search that shifts our dating fate. So let the intention of soul-searching guide you to read on…
I'm Here To Tell You My Story…
And Possibly Your Story Too.
I spent my entire 20’s not showing up on dates. Instead, you could find me on any given evening behind the scenes of Tawkify, monitoring dates until 10 pm. I would step out on-occasion, experiencing a basketball game or a night out with friends; but mostly, settling for the status quo: maintaining my single status.
When I did date, it felt like a performance. I had an image to uphold—people expected me to be “the dating expert.” My presence on dating apps created more misunderstanding than connection; no one seemed to understand that I was just like them—there to make connections. In their minds, I could read deeply into their souls; and that made some men really, I mean really, uncomfortable.
“So I stopped dating altogether.”
Not due to lack of options. I’m the Director of Community at a national matchmaking company. There are plenty of options.
Not due to lack of reciprocity. I never actually exposed myself to the possibility of rejection. The numbers were not in my favor; and we all know: dating is a numbers game.
Not due to lack of opportunity. I met plenty of single men who made their interest known. But still, I gave off very few signals.
Nothing about my story makes rational sense, but that's why I'm sharing it.
“It doesn't have to make sense. Love is illogical.”
Yes, I desire love, but something outside of my conscious awareness was getting in the way. I didn't slow down to look at it either. Instead, I over-functioned with work until I had exhausted all energy. There was no motivation left to date.
I'm Seeing More And More…
How Many People Can Relate To My Story.
My story may resonate with those who express being “too busy” to date. I would have said the same. Looking back now, I can say with 100% honesty:
“I avoided going out on dates.”
I was “too busy,” occupying my time with work to feel connected. Ironically, I chose not to create time in the calendar to socialize with friends...let alone, seek potential partners.
My story may comfort those who are “fine being single.” Me too. I was perfectly fine. I am the master at justifying being single.
I had an ongoing monologue running: “It’s not so bad. Yes, I experience loneliness on occasion, but for the most part, I’m happy solo.”
My story may validate those who have "no interest" to date.
“I know how it feels to be uninspired by the dating world and I'm the first to admit to having high expectations for connection.”
Brutally honest, as promised.
Here's why: I came into this world with a built-in soulmate—my identical twin sister. I sensed that no one would ever understand me to that degree. So why even try?
NOT SO FAST.
What's getting in your way? Dig deep. Not for nothing, I'm here as an open book to jolt you to stop and look in the mirror.
This was my look in the mirror.
IF I REALLY WANTED DEEP SOUL CONNECTION, THEN MY ACTIONS WEREN'T LINING UP.
I decided to work backward: examining my actions, understanding my feelings, uncovering my subconscious thoughts. I looked inward to identify the deep core beliefs getting in the way of my success.
We all harbor unconscious core beliefs about love that have a powerful grip on our actions—and more often than not, these destructive core beliefs are the true cause for our lack of success.
“I’m not like everyone else.”
“No one will ever understand me.”
“I don’t deserve love.”
“I’m all alone.”
That was me stripped down to my core. And be brutally honest. If you're reading this thinking, "no wonder she was single," that's my point exactly!
And certainly, you may be different. You may be absolutely primed for success. Those who have constructive core beliefs might be saying, "I deserve love" or "l'm ready, I just haven't found love yet."
Many of us grapple with external obstacles to romantic success. External blocks may include time, geography, demographics, resources... and so on and so forth.
I feel you. The dating world has its restrictions, and it can feel like you're not getting enough playing time. Humor me for a second though: this is a challenge for even you to look in the mirror.
My coaching rule-of-thumb is to first examine your inner world before looking for justifications in your outer world.
You might not know your inner world well, and it takes intentionality to pause and look inside. This simple exercise is foundational to my style as a coach. Because while we don’t easily confront our deepest fears, they are still there.
This is where I experienced the lightbulb moment. I avoided looking within, just like I avoided dating, because I didn't want to feel rejected.
“Rejection is the shadow of the dating game. Dating is a game of winning and losing. I did not want to lose.”
My play-by-play looked like this: When I thought I was losing, I would go to a place of defeat; and a feeling of powerlessness would flood my body. I didn’t want to be reminded of the pain of rejection—the pain associated with childhood memories of being the odd-one-out, different from the other kids, misunderstood and judged for my successes and losses alike.
I share this now from a place of higher-consciousness and very little self-consciousness. I am a coach and regularly work with other coaches to expand my self-awareness. And there's a method to my approach:
HAVE YOU HEARD OF ENERGY LEADERSHIP?
Energy Leadership is a coaching paradigm that business leaders use to reach new levels of success. It can be applied to all arenas of your life to accelerate success, including dating.
As an Energy Leadership Coach, I partner with highly successful people to expand self-awareness—uprooting outdated beliefs that impede your fulfillment, and then the fun part…
“We plant new seeds.”
Let's be brutally honest: What is it that truly gets in your way? I recognize this one question is a pretty intense first step, but it’s required nonetheless. We are all in this together to acknowledge and validate our blind spots.
I've got your back and want to know what's in your way. Join the conversation in the comments section below, or privately contribute by submitting a response via the ask page.
Julia Armet, Director of Matchmaker Community, Tawkify.
On the next issue, Julia Armet studies the Energy Leadership Index as a tool to guide your self-awareness and self-mastery in the pursuit of love.
In June, check out Julia’s keynote speech on “Energy: The Intangibles of the Dating Game” at LOVECON. Reserve your free spot, here.
What to expect: Go in-depth on the 7 Levels of Energy, uncovering your distinct player profile and how to shift energy to create success in love.
Interested in this topic? Connect directly with Julia to learn more pre-LOVECON.