In My Own Way is a two-part series by Tawkify Matchmaking Director, Julia Armet. Don’t miss the first installment of the mini-series, In My Own Way: Backward.
If someone could tell you exactly what to do to meet the love of your life, would you do it?
Hundreds of matchmakers in my immediate proximity, all of whom could have offered up advice, presented matches, and scheduled dates every night of the week.
And if I wanted to, I could have followed “the rules”, gone out, played the numbers game, and seen myself over and over again hitting the same wall.
“No one understands me.”
“I don’t need a man.”
“I’m all alone.”
“I’m not worth it.”
Limiting core beliefs drove me in the direction of most resistance. So yes, I said NO to the matchmakers. Intuitively, I knew they weren’t going to make a difference, not until the inner blocks were resolved.
“The time was 2017, and as much as I wanted support, it was unclear how to get out of my own way.”
I made little steps, unable to create momentum. Eventually, I’d feel defeated enough to arrive at the all-classic, “I’m all out of love” moment. Until miraculously, coach Lana appeared.
Actually, I had known her for a year...but I wasn’t ready to “look with her” until one winter afternoon. We opened up a conversation about my love life; and I began to seek answers from within, the one perfect option that I could have been doing all along.
Lana enrolled me in her style of coaching, Energy Leadership, which felt like a game. A game to self-examine behavioral tendencies, to see for ourselves how thought impacts emotion, which in turn impacts action. It's all about leading energy to work for you, and it's created through developing an awareness of your energetic states.
For anyone unfamiliar, Energy Leadership is a coaching paradigm that business leaders use to reach new levels of success; it can also be applied to our personal lives.
We started with the Energy Leadership Index, an assessment tool that measures your energetic profile at its natural resonance and how it shifts under stress. There are 7 levels of energy, which show up in every person in a unique combination. Here’s a quick overview of the levels from my own dating perspective:
Level 1 energy of defeat simmers below the surface as, “I’m hopeless and alone.”
Level 2 energy of defiance rebels, “It’s me against the dating world.”
Level 3 energy of tolerance settles, justifying it as “I’m fine...I guess.”
Level 4 energy of compassion nurtures everyone else with “you deserve love.”
Level 5 energy of acceptance realizes, “There are plenty of opportunities to connect.”
Level 6 energy of joy experiences, “Love is right here right now.”
Level 7 energy of truth muses, “Love is love is love. What is love though?”
When I took the Energy Leadership Index (ELI) assessment for the first time in 2017, I was carrying a lot of Level 1 and Level 3 energy around dating, a combination that caused me to avoid and accept the status quo, and by default feel ok with being stagnant... because “I’m fine being alone.” (Sigh...)
“Was that actually true though?”
My coach asked me that very question, and I was forced to challenge the assumption: Does it have to be this way?
It didn’t, and I had the opportunity to level up my love life. I started coaching my limiting beliefs around love, identifying self-defeating dialogue, and investing in my own personal development.
The strategy is simple. I kept nurturing myself with Level 4 “you deserve love” energy, doing the work from a place of Level 5 “you’ve got so much to look forward to!," and then noticed a major shift in who I was attracting. I also started saying yes to opportunities.
“Because when we nurture ourselves instead of avoiding ourselves, the whole world shifts around us.”
It’s two years later, and I’m much more satisfied with the quality of my personal relationships. I have expanded my social circles and developed meaningful connections with people all over the world... and I’ve realized how lucky I am when it comes to love.
Current mindset as I write this: my Level 5 perspective says, “I am beyond well-situated in the dating game with much opportunity to create the love life of my dreams.”
And my Level 6 energy reflects that reality, “I experience soul connections on a daily basis.”
Level 7 shows me the truth: “I am single at the moment by choice.” And of course, allowing fate to play its part too.
Morale of the story: I’m successful in love because my inner love is overflowing, and I spread love to the world everyday. I am no longer in my own way.
I consciously choose new beliefs, including “I can connect with everyone in unique ways” and “I create deep connection when I go deep myself.”
Though I learned Energy Leadership to make sense of my dating reality, I’m now a certified Energy Leadership Coach. I use this lens to teach matchmakers and daters to make sense of our collective dating reality, with the desire to drive a cultural change in dating patterns and create more of the results we seek.
I know your power. I believe in your ability to create the love life of your dreams. And so, I’d like to invite you to join the conversation.
I’m doing a keynote speech in June at LOVECON called “Energy: The Intangibles of the Dating Game” to go in depth on the 7 Levels of Energy and show every dater how their energy is influencing success in love.
If you like this approach and wish to level up the way I did, I look forward to sharing more with you at LOVECON. Here’s the link to sign up for free.
If you are interested to learn more, you can connect with me in advance.
To those who are experiencing a lot of the feels from delving deep, I'm proud of you for going there. Invite in the feels because then, and only then, will you get to the core of who you are…and we always win because we're soulfully connected to ourselves.
Follow Julia @higherplaybook.