Tawkify Favorites

Share on facebook
Share on twitter
Share on linkedin
Share on email
Share on print

Ask Renée: Is Zero Chemistry On a First Date a Dealbreaker?

Q: Last week, I went on a date with someone that I really like. She was funny and smart and I was surprised to see that we had a lot of things in common. There’s just one problem. There was no chemistry...

Share on facebook
Share on twitter
Share on linkedin
Share on email
Share on print


Art by Agnes Cecile

Art by Agnes Cecile

Renée is our incognito “Dear Abby,” if you will. Veteran marriage counselor and published author, Renée gets to the heart of it without prevarication. Enjoy this week’s truism on Ask Renée…

Q: “Last week, I went on a date with someone that I really like. She was funny and smart and I was surprised to see that we had a lot of things in common. There’s just one problem. There was no chemistry–there wasn’t one ounce of it. She seemed to be attracted to me, though, and I don’t want to be superficial or miss out on something good. What’s your advice about how to move forward?” –Adam Z.

Hi Adam,

No chemistry. Hmm. In some ways, that’s a tough question. In others, it’s really simple. Guess that didn’t help, right?

Let’s start here. I think that movies and television have done a real doozy on us when it comes to how we perceive butterflies and fireworks. Somehow, we seem to believe that if we don’t want to hop in the sack the moment we look at someone, then they are probably not the one for us.

In other words, we depend far too much on infatuation (beginning stages of sexual attraction) than cultivating a true connection.
 

And here’s the irony. If you have a lot of things in common and you like a lot of things about her, guess what? You DO have chemistry. I think what you’re really wondering is since you’re not immediately drawn to the outside of her, should you put up a wall or save both of you the headache and put her in the “friend zone”.

My advice? Don’t do anything just yet. Well, other than ask her out on another date. It takes about three encounters with someone to truly know if you can see something more—or not. And the fun thing about first dates is they are FULL of possibilities. Don’t be so worried about whether or not you’re attracted that you miss out on what could come from spending more time with her.

That said, if after the second or third date you still feel nothing, that’s fair. You gave it your best shot. You disciplined yourself to be open-minded about it all. Now it’s time to let her know that you like her and you’d like to be friends with her, but you don’t see much more coming from it. Then let the chips fall where they may.

It’s more close-minded than superficial to judge someone on their looks. Once you know their character, if it still doesn’t make a difference, don’t force things. Move on.

Truthfully, 

Renée

Popular Posts

5 Ways to Win An Argument In A Relationship

It’s happened– your Springtime in Paris new relationship has hit a significant bump in the road. You’re feeling the urge to say something 180 degrees from “you’re just so perfect and amazing” to your new love interest. Congratulations– this is your first opportunity for a growth power-up!

Quell the impulse to text “We need to talk.” If you’ve already typed it in, with your thumb hovering above “send,” aim for “delete” instead. No one wants to read that; no one wants to be forewarned of impending doom unless they’re watching a movie. You’ll only succeed in spurring the imminent arsenal of defense…

Read More

GIVE ME EVERYTHING YOU AM: “Love Again” by Run The Jewels

The other week, I was having a conversation with a friend of mine who is a new father – we’ll call him Cronus – and we were talking about parental instinct. He lowered his voice conspiratorially, considered the infant in his lap and said, “Sometimes I love my baby so much that I want to eat him. Is that normal?” 

Turns out, it’s not just normal–it’s science! Olfactory chemical signals–the smells of newborn babies have been linked to dopamine spikes in the brains of new mothers, essentially triggering the same neurological reward circuit activated when a very hungry person eats, or when a heroin addict shoots up…

Read More

5 Ways to Avoid the Cliff of Contemporary Dating

I have a friend who dates online… a lot. You could say she’s popular. She gets out again and again because she’s fabulous–which is obvious, even through a screen. Yet she arrives each time preloaded with every personal detail about her date–their hometown, full legal name, and family history–often even their annual income and whether or not they rent or own. IT IS RIDICULOUS. The internet is a fantastic tool for writing a thesis, but should it be used to compose a 15-page, pre-introduction memoir on a potential romantic interest’s life story?…

Read More