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Matchmaker Says: Is Confidence Key? Part II

Five tenets to improve confidence, common confidence pitfalls, as well as the intersections of confidence, mental health and the laws of attraction...

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The second installment of Matchmaker Says: Is Confidence Key has hit the stands!

Part I revealed that the matchmaking pros do indeed agree that confidence is key… but how key? This week we hear from Professional matchmakers Alyssa Bunn, Jennifer Magana, Melissa Rogers and Brooke Bergman. Look out for Bunn’s 5 tenets to improve confidence, common confidence pitfalls, as well as the intersections of confidence, mental health and the laws of attraction. 

Alyssa Bunn, Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify:

The single greatest asset you have when it comes to dating is confidence. Without it, you will accept unacceptable behavior, waste time in dead-end relationships, and feel pessimistic about your odds of finding and keeping lasting love. People are attracted to confidence. They respect it, and they want to be around it. Confidence is infectious. Many variables of love, dating, and chemistry aren’t in your control, but confidence is. Make it work in your favor! 

Alyssa’s 5 proven tenets to build confidence
 

  1. BE CAREFUL WITH YOUR THOUGHTS 

    What we think, we become. Our thoughts are our fuel. They travel to our hearts, and then become our character. Our hearts guide our responses; which become the direction of our lives.
     

  2. PUT LOVE IN PERSPECTIVE

    Get real about what love means to you — before your parents, friends, coworkers, and the media told you what to think. What kind of love do you want, not want, and most importantly WHY. Do yourself a favor and ask yourself “Why?” five times to any preference, belief, or expectation you have and you’ll find the truth. Become the person you desire and the universe will bring that person to you.
     

  3. BE REALISTIC

    Expectations are everything, so set them accordingly. Think realistically. Realistically, you will meet people who are odd, selfish, and emotionally unavailable. Realistically, you may have to go out with more people than you think before you find one that sticks. If this is all predictable, it shouldn’t take a personal toll. 
     

  4. FIND YOUR PURPOSE

    When you’re more certain about who you are and what you’re interested in, it leaves little room for doubt. Believing in who and what you are breeds confidence, and confidence is undoubtedly the key to success in dating. So, find what you’re silently drawn to. What brings you joy? Go do that. Soon enough, someone will come along and stick. Birds of a feather flock together!
     

  5. GET GOING

    Experience is more important than being told, so get going. Dating multiple people makes you feel and come across as more desirable. Aim for most to like you, few to dislike you, and none to be disinterested.  

Common confidence pitfalls
 

  1. HIGH EXPECTATIONS 

    The thing about relationships is that finding one is totally out of our control. It happens when it happens – a strange confluence of luck, experience, and timing mixed with an open heart, open mind, and a wee bit of magic. The time we spend yearning for that perfect person is time better spent expanding our own spirits.
     

  2. PERFECTIONISM

    Perfect is subjective. It’s not in your control, because it doesn’t exist – so ditch it. With a world full of edits, plastic, and materialism, authenticity and asymmetry are seen as the new nose job.
     

  3. INSECURITY

    The central question of romance is not “Does this person like me?” but “Do I like this person?” It’s so rare to have a true connection with with someone you like, who likes you back, and it’s important to not sabotage those connections by being anything less than secure with who you are and what you want.

Connect with Alyssa on Twitter @alyssabunn.

Jennifer Magana, Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify:

Confidence and the Law Of Attraction are one and the same. Confidence is the law of attraction. When exuding confidence, the barrier of risk melts, and authenticity shines brightly. This beautiful light is the key to successful dating.

Fear aka (F)alse (E)nergy (A)ppearing (R)eal is the mechanism that destroys confidence.

Fear is a choice. Confidence is a choice.
 

The power of confidence is in the mind. Words spoken have and hold power. Own Your Power with your Power Words. Jot down positive words about yourself in your favorite journal. These are words that inspire, empower and move you. Now, say out loud, your name and then say “I am” before each word. For example, I would say, “Jennifer Magana, I AM AMAZING!” The Power of I AM positive mantras help empower confidence in yourself.

We can be our biggest critics, even our worst enemies. At times, the focus may lean toward everything being wrong versus what is right. Fear and worry go hand in hand. At this point, self-sabotage kicks in and that beautiful inner pilot light gets smaller and smaller. Take control! The divinity of owning your power and owning your beauty has arrived. Just as Sheryl Sandberg said, Lean In and Sit at the Table; it’s time to have that cocktail meet-up and cup-of-joe!

Melissa Rogers, Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify:

Confidence is paramount to dating success. Why? Simply put, you want to convey the real you, not a shadow of yourself, right? You only have one chance to make that first impression — cliche but TRUE!

Focus on what you bring to the table. When we doubt ourselves it’s usually because of our own inner dialogue (cue that annoying inner voice that tends to see only the negatives). Try transforming your inner dialogue (Yo, you’re the BOMB and anyone is lucky to have you!).

Don’t miss Matchmaker Marisha’s article on monitoring self talk.

We can lack the confidence to walk away from a bad situation when it no longer serves us. Do not doubt your worth and stick around in unhealthy relationships due to fear. Confidence pitfall red flag!

Brooke Bergman, Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify:

Confidence is the most important component to dating. It signifies a healthy state-of-mind, which is vital to attracting, attaining and maintaining a healthy relationship. Confidence communicates self-trust and enjoyment of one’s own life. A partner worth having will be attracted to that, but generally find “neediness” repellent.

One way to improve your confidence is to physically adjust your posture. Research demonstrates there are a number of “power postures” you can do to significantly impact how you feel. I recommend the “wonder woman” posture — hands at the hips, shoulders and hips squared. Hold this posture for 2 minutes and experience a renewed sense of power (there’s a reason why Wonder Woman stands this way!). 

People who struggle with confidence may experience the “this is the best I’m going to get” syndrome…
 

… and sell themselves short (not just in relationships, but across many avenues of life). This is dangerous and can lead to great dissatisfaction and resentment. Confident people are able to say “no” even to a “nice guy/gal” because they know that there are plenty of fish in the sea.

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