Tawkify Favorites

Share on facebook
Share on twitter
Share on linkedin
Share on email
Share on print

Why We Lose Interest In People Who Show Too Much Interest In Us

We've come to associate courting with a chase. We secretly enjoy the thrills and lows that come with love you have to fight to earn. It makes us feel like we're getting something worth our efforts. We need to know that there is value in something before we can invest in it...

Share on facebook
Share on twitter
Share on linkedin
Share on email
Share on print


Artwork: Profiles by Quibe

Artwork: Profiles by Quibe

Kailtlyn Wylde, of Bustle, recently took on the human dating psyche in her piece entitled, Why We Lose Interest In People Who Show Too Much Interest In Us. NYC Tawkify Matchmaker, Sierra, felt Kaitlyn’s analysis of this phenomena might benefit a few clients of hers. In Sierra’s words…

“Interesting- it’s no wonder that people in NYC have such a hard time dating. NYC attracts ‘maximizers’ who are obsessed with making the optimal decision, and being surrounded by so many different people and potential options probably doesn’t help! Might share this one with a few clients.”

Before you dig into the article–I am not asserting that all people are uncomfortable with admiration in this way. But some definitely are. I’ve listened to female friends of mine doubt a man’s sincerity because he seemed “just too enthusiastic.”  I’ve witnessed male friends of mine end contact in budding relationships over, “she’s too available.” Perhaps you fall into this group, perhaps not. Regardless, I hope you enjoy Wylde’s analysis. 

It’s old news that we want what we can’t have. It’s in our complex human nature to admire those who present themselves as unattainable. Because what that means to our emotionally complicated and ego-driven minds is that person is “too good.” And “too good” is just good enough for us. It’s the plot to every romance film — one character is attracted to another character who appears to be out of their league. That’s a dynamic we know well. It conjures feelings of admiration, intrigue, and praise. We’ve become comfortable thinking that love and attraction is about being in awe of someone.

That exact behavior is the same reason we lose interest in people who show too much interest in us. It’s a dynamic we’re not used to. We’ve come to associate courting with a chase. We secretly enjoy the thrills and lows that come with love you have to fight to earn. It makes us feel like we’re getting something worth our efforts. We need to know that there is value in something before we can invest in it. And when a person is in high demand or hard to reach, we see value in them. Once we see those emotional dollar signs, we feel more confident opening up to the person, and our efforts become validated.

For many biological reasons, we are attracted to people whom we see as “better” than us. The evolutionary point of coupling that results in reproduction is to produce better offspring. So on a primal level, we’re going to be more attracted to people who look like they are healthy, strong, and confident, while having the emotional sensitivity to be protective, loyal, and nurturing. So naturally, whether we’re thinking about it or whether we even want to reproduce, we are conditioned by evolution to want someone whose genes might best combine with our own to “better” our breed. But what does that look like? And why are we so turned off when our partners seek the same in us?

The truth of the matter is that deep down, a part of us all feels unworthy of love. A part of us is insecure about our value. So when someone comes at us showing interest, we assume they have a lesser value. It’s never a thought that perhaps they have an equal value, because we’ve unintentionally trained ourselves to believe that anyone who likes us is deeply flawed. It’s such a common occurrence that one partner loses interest the second the other partner shows equal interest. We see that as a red flag.

But to put someone down for liking you is only putting down yourself. The subtext of this dynamic is “What the hell is wrong with you that you’re so interested in me?” We’re uncomfortable in this headspace. We’re so much more complacent being participants in a chase or being heartbroken because someone we’re interested in has rejected us. That has become the safe space. We have movies to watch to make us feel less alone and playlists to last a lifetime. Rejection feels better than unwarranted affection.

So yes, part of it is natural impulses — we want to find a partner who is unequivocally valuable. But an even bigger part of if it is an unconscious insecurity that only gets between us and potential happiness. If someone likes us too much, we think there’s something wrong with them. If someone likes us enough, we think we can do better. If someone doesn’t like us at all, our eyes become replaced with cartoon hearts. So my question is this: Can the fact that we know why we do what we do help us to not do it? Can we give someone who shows interest in us a chance? Can we we ignore our egos, which say “I can do better” or “There’s something wrong with you if you like me”?
(Kailtlyn Wylde, Bustle)

Love Wisely friends, 

Valerie
Editor, Heartalytics

Art: Profiles by Quibe

Popular Posts

5 Ways to Win An Argument In A Relationship

It’s happened– your Springtime in Paris new relationship has hit a significant bump in the road. You’re feeling the urge to say something 180 degrees from “you’re just so perfect and amazing” to your new love interest. Congratulations– this is your first opportunity for a growth power-up!

Quell the impulse to text “We need to talk.” If you’ve already typed it in, with your thumb hovering above “send,” aim for “delete” instead. No one wants to read that; no one wants to be forewarned of impending doom unless they’re watching a movie. You’ll only succeed in spurring the imminent arsenal of defense…

Read More

GIVE ME EVERYTHING YOU AM: “Love Again” by Run The Jewels

The other week, I was having a conversation with a friend of mine who is a new father – we’ll call him Cronus – and we were talking about parental instinct. He lowered his voice conspiratorially, considered the infant in his lap and said, “Sometimes I love my baby so much that I want to eat him. Is that normal?” 

Turns out, it’s not just normal–it’s science! Olfactory chemical signals–the smells of newborn babies have been linked to dopamine spikes in the brains of new mothers, essentially triggering the same neurological reward circuit activated when a very hungry person eats, or when a heroin addict shoots up…

Read More

5 Ways to Avoid the Cliff of Contemporary Dating

I have a friend who dates online… a lot. You could say she’s popular. She gets out again and again because she’s fabulous–which is obvious, even through a screen. Yet she arrives each time preloaded with every personal detail about her date–their hometown, full legal name, and family history–often even their annual income and whether or not they rent or own. IT IS RIDICULOUS. The internet is a fantastic tool for writing a thesis, but should it be used to compose a 15-page, pre-introduction memoir on a potential romantic interest’s life story?…

Read More